Pen horoscopes

Horoscopes – complete quackery but even the most rational of us sneak a peek at them from time to time. To think that the alignment of stars, whose light is hundreds of years old by the time it reaches Earth, has anything to do with our daily lives is crazy pants to the extreme. So, in the decidedly unserious spirit of “real” horoscopes I present…pen horoscopes. What does the pen you’re using today say about you?

  • Bic Cristal – It’s a no-nonsense kind of day. You probably don’t have a lot to write today so spend more time on your thoughts and less time trying to choose from 11 different shades of royal blue ink to put in your limited edition Delta Nefertiti fountain pen. You will need to take a break later today. Consider pulling out the Cristal refill and launching some spit balls.
  • Palomino 602 – Today is the day a secret admirer notices your simplicity and elegance. Consider replacing the stock black eraser with a classic pink or other brightly colored eraser to make sure your admirer takes notice. Be careful though – the 602 may draw the unwanted attention of a starving artist type and you do not need that instability in your life right now.
  • Pilot G2 – You hope to make a bright, bold impression today but if things do not pan out, don’t worry, others probably will not notice you tried. Whatever you do, skip the plain black – that crap is just boring. Go with blue if you must but try something a bit more colorful. Take caution – you want to get noticed for your ideas and not for the blob of ink leaking from the G2 refill.
  • Any Kickstarter Machined Pen – It is time to use your practically indestructible pen and get some damn work done jack wad! But first, spend at least 30 minutes selecting the refill type and color to use in your machined pen of choice. Be sure to spend another 45 minutes fiddling around with spacers and Scotch tape to make sure that refill fits just right. Oh, don’t forget to mix and match the bodies, grip sections and caps of all your machined pens to find the perfect combination. Okay, now you can get to work. No wait! Try a different spring on the tip of the refill to get rid of that last little bit of wiggle. Okay, now get to work.
  • Any Fountain Pen w/ Broad Nib – Well look at you Mr(s). Fancy Pants. Today is your big day and everyone is going to notice. Sure, your ideas have been complete crap for the past month but none of that matters now. Today is the day you’re going to turn it all around because even your boring ideas look fantastic written with a shimmering ink on overpriced snow-white French paper.
  • Lamy 2000 Fountain Pen – Es ist wahrscheinlich Montag, weil nichts sagt Montag wie ein Lamy 2000. Zu viel Bedürfnissen rechts zu gehen für Montag, um Ihren Weg zu gehen, warum also nicht mit einem Stift, die einfach genug aussieht, aber ist eigentlich sehr wählerisch. Aber keine Sorge. Morgen ist ein neuer Tag und eine neue Chance, um einen anderen Stift holen.
  • Pilot Vanishing Point – Life is good. You have a fountain pen and it is retractable. Most people don’t have a fountain pen. But you do and it retracts. That’s neat. Go ahead. Press the button very slowly and watch that little door open as the nib extents like the Millennium Falcon escaping from the Death Star. Cool. Who cares what the rest of the day brings because your fountain pen is retractable.
  • Ballpoint Pen from Random Bank – This is bad. Try to stay positive, but odds are today is going to suck big time. All hope is not lost. You’ll make it to lunchtime when you can run over the Staples and pick up a pack of something, anything to get you through the rest of day. Things could potentially get really bad if you start thinking, “Hey, this pen from Occidental Bank is actually pretty good.” Don’t settle. You did that once with an old flame from college and look how poorly that ended.
  • Leo – Intellectual or artistic work could take up a lot of your time today, Leo. Your level of inspiration is high, and you’re apt to be full of ideas that others would find beneficial. You’re also likely to sense the thoughts and feelings of those around you before they themselves are consciously aware of them. This not only increases your career standing, it can help you in the love department. Enjoy your day! (You caught me. This one isn’t pen or pencil related. It’s from an actual website of “real” horoscopes. Can you believe this crap?)
  • Storebrand Pencil – FML, shit is real bad now. Honestly, how did you let it come to this? Thankfully, you’ll be spending more time sharpening this hexagonal wooden nightmare than actually writing with it so much of today will not even make it into the written record.
  • Bonus horoscope for those using a single-pen carrying case – It is time to live a little. Your spouse, your kids, your friends and your co-workers can all see it – you need a vacation. But perhaps money is tight and now is not the time for a vacation. Well, start by selling that stupid single-pen carrying case and put your naked pen in your pocket like a normal human being. You’ll see, life is way better without that single-pen carrying case. Seriously, take a vacation.

8 thoughts on “Pen horoscopes

  1. OMG. Laughing out loud. I have a Pilot VP in my hand as I’m reading. Now I’m giggling secretly to myself as I click it just to watch the little door open. And again. And again. Now I’m looking around to see who’s watching me giggle to myself and stare at the business end of my pen as I click it. Sigh.

    1. Thanks for stopping by and laughing along. This pen stuff is a lot more fun when we don’t take it too seriously.

  2. Pingback: Sunday Inkings #39

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